Look Who's Talking!On second thought, watch the roadby Ian Shoales In 1928, Otto Frederick Rohwedder perfected a technology that gave the world sliced bread, an innovation after which every new innovation has become the greatest thing since. Before sliced bread we had to tear off great hunks of dough with our hands, or rip loaves apart with our teeth — not the most efficient way to make a BLT. And where would toasters be without sliced bread? We wouldn't even know what the slots were for. Many tragic household accidents would occur, as curious truth-seekers poked the slots with metal forks. "Hang on, I've got a Beep"Even today, we're confused about the function of apparently simple devices. Take the telephone. Dial a number and talk, right? Well, not exactly. Call waiting, call blocking, answering machines, voicemail, and caller ID are all designed either to defer talking or avoid it altogether. What about the car? Get in and get out when you get where you're going? It used to be that simple. But the car is more than transportation now. It's a home away from home, an entertainment center, and a phone booth, with one hell of a cup holder. "I'm in traffic! Where do you think I am?"A recent study by the Harvard Center for Risk Analysis found that drivers on cell phones "are involved in roughly one in 20 accidents," according to the New York Times ("Doing Business By Cellphone Creates New Liability Issues," December 3, 2002). But the study also concluded that banning the use of phones while driving "may cost the economy just as much as the accidents caused by drivers using the phones." Apparently, the money made in deals struck by go-getters gabbing behind the wheel is roughly equivalent to the money lost in lawsuits engendered by those injured or killed by same chatty drivers. So talking while driving won't disappear any time soon, but hand-held phones might. Within our lifetime, as a matter of fact, I predict that cell phones will become another appendage. "Go go Gadget Phone Tooth"You think I'm exaggerating? According to Time Magazine ("2002 Best Inventions," Nov. 18, 2002), two English researchers have developed a prototype phone tooth, a genuine mobile phone "embedded in a molar," with signals that "travel from the tooth to your skull to your inner ear — where only you can hear them." Talk about a private conversation! And who among us hasn't already done a double take on the street? How can you tell if a person talking to himself is a hotshot closing a business deal or a delusional street person responding to imaginary voices? And with the phone tooth, how will we know the difference between a phone call and actual messages transmitted through our teeth? Young people, bless them, don't seem to be bothered by such anxieties. Scrolling through the virtual pages of wired.com, I read that 21 percent of six to 12 year-old children now own a mobile phone ("Kiddie Cell Phones: Hot New Toy?" wired.com, Dec. 10, 2002). A woman in Toronto said that each of her three children (ages 10, 12, and 14) owns a cell phone: "It gives me a great deal of peace of mind to be able to reach them." Her youngest, described as "savvy" with her phone, sent an "I'm sorry, Mom" text message to her mother after an argument in the car. The emotional edge of this cute story was blunted when I learned that they were both still in the car at the time. So she could have just as easily apologized in real time, aloud. But that'd be too easy. If we want actual conversation while we're weaving in and out of heavy traffic, we'll have to wait for the day when we all have phones in our teeth. Yes sirree, that'll be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Ian Shoales lives in San Francisco. He does not use a cell phone while driving, but does use a toaster, allowing him to eat lunch on the go. Any advice on removing peanut butter from a steering wheel would be appreciated.
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