Buy It for Me, MommyIt followed me home ... can I upgrade it?by Ian Shoales This spring, The New York Times ran a feature listing products the writer would like to see, including an audio recorder that can play back the last 20 minutes of "whatever you've just heard"; a personal transmitter programmed with "the vital statistics of both you and the kind of soul mate you're seeking," which vibrates if "somebody less than 30 feet away is looking for someone just like you"; and a toothbrush that plays MP3s ("Wish List: 9 Innovations in Search of Inventors," March 28, 2002). We've come a long way from movable type, telephones, and the wheel when it comes to product development. A music-playing toothbrush? In my opinion, that's on par with the singing fish or a doormat that plays "Joy to the World" when you step on it. Pet SoundsStill, science has achieved great success with more useful products — zombie rats, for instance. According to the Associated Press, scientists have created "remote-controlled rodents they can command to turn left or right, climb trees, and navigate piles of rubble." The hope is that one day "rats carrying tiny video cameras might search for disaster survivors." The system works by fitting rats with electrodes that stimulate a rodent's "pleasure center" ("Scientists Pilot Rats With Electrodes," May 1, 2002). Clearly, human beings have pleasure centers all their own, easily accessed by warbling mouth-care products and over-stimulated vermin. Not to mention robot dogs. Did I mention robot dogs? The New York Times informed me that Aibos, "the first mass-produced entertainment robot dogs, have grown in popularity ... with more than 100,000 — which cost from $850 to $1,500 — sold worldwide. The reason for their appeal lies in ... their petlike appearance and behavior, and in the software that allows them to 'mature' emotionally.... Aibos are seen by their owners as much more than ... silicon chips and motors. They are like any living pet" ("Silicon Pets, But the Pride Is Real," May 2, 2002). The article told of one sad "dog" owner whose Aibo, Diane, "was suffering from DHS [Droopy Head Syndrome] caused when a clutch wears out (it's repairable by replacing the head)." Try replacing the head of a zombie rat, and you can immediately see the advantage of the robot dog in the unnatural pet department. Saving SupermanYes, reality is definitely overrated when it comes to product innovation. I came across a Reuters story last spring about DC Comics suing a hair-care company, Wella Corp., for "selling its glowing green styling gel under the name Kryptonite" ("Superman Tarnished by Kryptonite Hair Gel," March 7, 2002). According to the lawsuit, "Wella's use of the fictitious radioactive rock on its label is ... tarnishing the Kryptonite trademark." |
I don't see how naming a styling gel for a substance toxic to a fictitious superhero would make you want to buy it. But on the other hand, I don't see how Kryptonite is tarnished by it either. How do you tarnish an imaginary poison?
Kryptonite, by the way, was first introduced in a 1943 radio episode, when "the villainess Scarlet Widow obtained a chunk ... and gave it to several other villains to use against Superman." I believe it was the mischievous Mr. Mxyzptlk who upgraded Green Kryptonite to Red (a substance that affects Superman unpredictably) for the evil entrepreneur Lex Luthor, a man who would have a deep appreciation for zombie rats, in my opinion, but also an abiding abhorrence for singing toothbrushes. What that indicates for real-world, real-time product development, frankly, I haven't the foggiest idea. Do with this information what you will.
Ian Shoales is a humorist and crime fighter in San Francisco. His Kryptonite collection, the largest in three counties, is currently up for bids on eBay.
 
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