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February 1, 2002

Position Globally, Shudder Locally

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Ian Shoales

Last spring, the virtual pages of Digital Music Weekly asked me, "When's the last time you got a voicemail from Slim Shady [aka Eminem] himself?" ("Musicphone Aims to Connect Fans and Artists Over the Phone," March 28, 2001).

"Never, thank God" — Oh, did I say that out loud? I read on:

"Startup Musicphone ... lets customers access song samples, artist news, ... and even voicemail from the stars. All you do is dial up the Musicphone service and navigate using simple voice commands (say 'artist' and 'Ricky Martin' and you'll be 'Livin' La Vida Loca' in seconds)."

Say "Cynic" and "Ian Shoales," and I'll be "Gaggin' on La Prose Style Loco" in seconds.

But I continued reading, grimly: "If you're impressed with a song clip you hear, you can say, 'Buy now' to either get directions to the closest record store or to order a copy of the CD for delivery later."

I wanted to say, "Buy now!" but a smooth-talking spokesman for Musicphone Inc. stopped me: "If you log into Musicphone — and after you choose songs and news and such, now we know what your tastes are.... Aggregate data like that can be very valuable for any label to be able to slice and dice."

NO ESCAPE

Speaking of being sliced and diced by one's aggregate data, last summer I read this story: "A Connecticut man is suing ... Acme Rent-a-Car after it used global positioning system (GPS) technology to track him and then fined him $450 for speeding [on three occasions]," ("Rental Car Firm Exceeding the Privacy Limit?, CNET, June 20, 2001). Luckily, the rental car customer eventually won the case.

The New York Times informed me that many car makers now include GPS technology as an option. This could "... prove useful ... to ... retail businesses trying to narrow their advertising pitches. Take, for example, a roadside hotel stuck with empty rooms late at night. It can send a message offering a discount to every driver passing by its front door" ("It's the Cars, Not the Tires, That Squeal," Oct. 25, 2001).

Well, if my cell phone started ringing while I was driving a rental car, and it was some strange hotel, or Eminem, I'd step on the gas and get the hell out of Dodge, pronto. (But then, maybe that's what the rental company wants me to do so they can rack up more speeding fines.)

The same New York Times article told me "millions of drivers have signed up ... for electronic devices that allow them to forgo cash at tollbooths." The so-called "E-Zpass" system "makes toll paying fast and convenient, but also creates a rich database of your whereabouts down to the exact second."

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But why would I need to know my exact whereabouts when Musicphone already has Ricky Martin observing me from a black helicopter, and globally positioned hotels are bombarding me with discounts? They'll tell me where I am, whether I want to know or not.

WHAT A GAS

So I wasn't feeling lost in any way when I read in the Silicon Alley Daily that "gas station pumps will soon feature news ... from ABCNews.com, stock quotes from Bloomberg, and weather from Accuweather. And, in case you need some heavy metal with your unleaded fuel, have an '80s power ballads CD shipped to your home...." ("Fill 'Er Up With Peter Jennings, Please," Nov. 1, 2001). It turns out that an outfit called PointMedia Corp. is making kiosks the size of a TV screen that will sit on top of pumps. PointMedia believes it can provide specific information about customer spending habits and, therefore, attract advertisers.

The kiosks will smile and say your name in Ricky Martin's voice, and the gas pump will shake its bon-bon as it pumps. Can we change the future into something else now please? Preferably one where the appliances don't pretend to know me? Thank you.

Ian Shoales lives in San Francisco with a blender that doesn't talk and just sits there.