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The U.S. Labor Department, in its infinite wis- dom, recently ruled that a company that allows its employees to work at home is responsible for any health or safety violations that occur there.
According to the Washington Post, this advisory from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) means that “employers are responsible for making sure an employee has ergonomically correct furniture…proper lighting, heating, cooling and ventilation in the home work area.” The employer must also “provide any needed training to comply with OSHA standards, including making sure the home work space has emergency medical plans and a first-aid kit.”
In perhaps related news, Cisco Systems announced a new product in January that will let consumers link multiple computers and home appliances to a single Internet account. The account will create a network, theoretically connecting toasters, refrigerators, PCs, fax machines, and even Christmas tree lights, as far as I know.
As part of the rollout for this new expansion into the consumer market, Cisco has partnered with Whirlpool to develop a refrigerator, according to the Bloomberg News, that will “...notify [homeowners] by email when milk is about to sour and [remind them to] order a new carton—for a price.”
To some, no doubt, this will seem like a flagrant abuse of digital technology. On the other hand, the old-fashioned method of sour milk detection — that is, waiting until the refrigerator begins to emit a strange odor — may be outmoded.
Think about it: Instead of sniffing open containers gingerly, at great personal risk to one’s health, you simply boot up, log on, and wait for the electronic voice to say, “You’ve got curds!” Simplicity defined.
I wonder if Cisco will place this product into a work environment any time soon. After all, almost every corporate break room has a refrigerator, and almost every one of those refrigerators has at least one Tupperware container holding a mysterious greenish substance that’s been sitting there since, oh, 1993. Is there some way to track down the owners of these transmogrified lunches electronically?
I also wonder whether these former foods qualify as a health or safety violation. Does OSHA have guidelines on this sort of thing? Maybe Cisco and the Labor Department could partner on some kind of application that makes sure we’re eating correctly. It’s common knowledge that the information economy is powered mainly by potato chips and diet colas. For the economy to continue to boom, we’re going to need someone, or something, reminding us to eat our broccoli.
And what about people like me who are self-employed? Is there any software or regulatory agency looking out for me? I tried one of those ergonomic chairs back in the 1980s. It was comfortable enough, I guess, but I couldn’t figure out how to get out of it. Until the feds come for me, I think I’m sticking with the 10-year old swivel chair that’s held together with duct tape.
As a precautionary measure, I have covered all windows and doors with yellow police tape. I wear a hard hat, and back and wrist braces whenever I approach my PC or refrigerator. When violations occur, I fine myself (and kick back part of the fine to myself under the table; don’t tell the feds). My home office of tomorrow is wheelchair-accessible, with a nurse practitioner on duty at all times. All exits are clearly marked with flashing neon signs.
My trouble is: When is my home a home, and when is it an office? If I take lunch, am I on a work break or am I “off”? If I drink bad milk when I’m working, it’s a federal offense, but if I drink bad milk on my own time, I’m just another stupid consumer. I don’t even like milk.
I need to buy one of those clocks to punch in and out, I guess. I probably also need a supervisor, an administrative assistant, a safety/health consultant, a security guard, and a surly tech support guy who’s never around when I need him. Man, it’s going to get crowded around here!
Of course, soon my PC will be yelling at me all the time: “Get new milk! Change the sheets! Walk the dog! Floss! Take a shower! Don’t increase medication!” This raises the possibility that I won’t be self-employed any more, but will actually be working for my computer. That’s all right with me, but do you think I can get a raise? All this fresh milk is cluttering up the workspace, and frankly it’s starting to run into some money.
Ian Shoales is a humorist in San Francisco. His goal? A milk-free environment by 2001.
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